Lies are not always terrible things when we tell them to protect someone else, or to spare a person pain that would not have benefitted them, that could only have made things worse, etc. These types of lies are known as 'white lies', and everyone in the world has told one at one time or another for any number of reasons. 'Honesty' as we know it does not usually mean the exclusion of 'white' lies, but the absence of a much more important kind of falsehood----the lies that we tell to ourselves.
Where children are concerned, honesty is of the utmost importance. When we say 'honesty', we should not include occasionally shielding a child from events that may be too upsetting and abstract to bear (for ex. exposure to rude or offensive adults, x-rated internet content and pathological situations, etc.), but it is of paramount importance to answer the serious questions that children ask at all times, no matter what.
The adult track record for honesty is admittedly horrendous, and probably has been since the beginning of time, LOL. Some of the worst examples of lying to children (IMO) are listed below:
1) A child asks, "Mommy, why does it thunder?", and the parent replies, "Because God is bowling". Answers like this to basic questions seem harmless and even humorous at times, but they definitely fall into the category of dishonesty because an adult has deliberately misled a child who has asked for a specific explanation to something. It also assumes that the child is not capable of understanding a scientific answer (or how the world works in general), and in this case there is no reason for failing to offer the explanation other than not wanting to expend the effort to supply a person with a detailed answer. There are situations in which stories like these are told in fun and that's wonderful, but the objectionable versions involve children being made fun of, with their intelligence deliberately being insulted on a basic level, and adults lying sheerly to get a laugh at the expense of someone young.
2) Ignoring or brushing off questions. A common tactic for avoiding unwanted questions is simply to push them off until a later date. For ex, the child asks, " What happens when you die?" and the parent answers, "We'll discuss that later". Of course, there sometimes is no time to discuss a subject of this magnitude at length, in which case "we'll discuss it later" is an honest response provided that someone actually does so at a later date. Unfortunately, answers like this can also be a shield that adults hold up to deflect questions that may be uncomfortable for them (putting a whole new spin on the subject and demanding more in the way of personal reflection).
A famous poet (who I forget the name of now), once said that the worst types of lies are not those we tell other people, they are the ones we tell ourselves. Dishonesty like this is the plague of child rearing, IMO. That kind of denial pervades not only families but public institutions of every description including those that handle our children. Schools are rife with dishonesty, teeming with manipulation that is almost impossible to believe. The worst untruths are those that tell a child that he will never amount to anything if he does not conform to rules and acquire skills and abilities by age-graded deadlines.
Children are honest to a fault, everyone knows this is true. The only time in all my years of working with them that I have ever seen them lie is when they are afraid or trying to protect someone they love. They see more clearly than any adult is capable of seeing, and their observations are often embarassingly on target as a result of this amazing clarity. If we as adults try to evade their honesty every chance we get, then there are issues at stake that need to be addressed immediately. The toughest part of raising kids (especially those being raised in less restrictive environments), is addressing our own fears so that we do not pass them onto our children.
The concept of honesty relates directly back to the idea of unschooling and free-schooling. Children who have been raised without deception do not have to spend years of their lives restoring themselves afterward. That original clarity remains intact, they are unafraid to address challenges, and there is no delay (or utter failure) to launch themselves later in life. An honest relationship is totally reciprocal, involving the willingness to fix ourselves before we even think about paving the way for our children.
A tough job, but we've all got to do it, LOL.
Anonymom:)
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